Almost all of us go through a stage where we want to give up and quit and everyone has different experiences. Parents can learn a lot from the way others have successfully dealt with their issues and use that information to help their own children.
Below you’ll find some “quitting” stories from Elizabeth Farrell Music instructors. As you’ll see, we’re all different and so are our stories – but we have something in common. We did NOT give up, and today we are thrilled with what we’ve accomplished, made possible by those incredibly important decisions to stick with it long ago.
INTERNAL MOTIVATION
by Amy Marbut – Strings, Piano
Have I ever wanted to quit music? Sure. I didn’t even want to start learning!
When I first started violin it wasn’t my instrument of choice. When I was in middle school I had a choice between Gym, Chorus or Orchestra. I didn’t want to sing, I didn’t want to go to gym every day so I picked Orchestra. I choose violin because it would be easy to transport back and forth from school. My intention from the moment I started was that I’d quit as soon as the year was over, when I’d be eligible to take an art calss instead. The instrument grew on me so I decided to continue. For me it was boring at first but the complexity and range of the instrument proved otherwise, and the more I practiced the more I liked it. 🙂 The never ending potential of the violin meant limitless fun for me!
The second time I wanted to quit, I only wanted to stop my lessons, but not stop playing violin. I had a very hard and strict teacher that carried me through to my college audition. There was a death in my family at the time and I needed the time to grieve, so I ended up dropping my lessons with that instructor but I continued to play and tutored myself the best I could. Looking back it would have been easy to give up completely and lay the violin down, but I was too attached and even then I didn’t believe in quitting. I continued to practice and followed the guidance of my previous instructors and nailed my college audition. In retrospect however – having a tutor during that time would have been extremely beneficial. It was VERY difficult without the accountability and insight of having an instructor. It took a TON of personal responsibility to practice hours each day and to analyze my own playing objectively. Had I been a child it would have been an impossible feat.
GENTLE PARENTAL GUIDANCE & DIRECTION
By Erik Sumner – Voice, Guitar, Piano
I’m deeply grateful that my parents generally insisted that I THINK about my decisions a lot, more so than forcing me to make any. They were my security, there to coach and guide me on getting in touch with my truest goals while gaining confidence to craft my own destiny rather than living a life of obedience, mediocrity or tradition.
Example 1
At one point I wanted to quit guitar. My dad laid down the law a bit this time – not really “on” me but “next to” me. (You’ll see what I mean.) I played guitar only for a short while, but was getting frustrated. I approached my dad and said, “I think I just want to learn bass.” With little hesitation, he said, “I think you’re short-changing yourself. You can learn bass AFTER you learn guitar. I’m not going to return the guitar and replace it with a bass–you’ve got to learn guitar first.” At the time, I didn’t realize the high action on my guitar was making it harder than normal, and I may have gone on for years not knowing, nor knowing how to play, if I had followed my “whim” to “settle” for bass. So thanks to my dad for giving me little choice. I appreciate that he didn’t mock me or belittle me or punish me for it–he just stated what he was willing to do with his money, which of course had a strong implication as to how I would need to behave. T
That’s one power that parents may not readily realize. You don’t need to get pushy and domineering on your kids when you make clear arguments, insist that they understand the argument, and remember your right to retract various types of help. It further gave me the subtle reminder that my “help” in learning music (his money) didn’t come without some rules attached, which is fair for any two human beings, regardless of personal relation. (By the way, I still don’t own a bass, though I’m at least proficient on it!–thanks to learning guitar, which is certainly more complicated.)
Example 2
My mom would help me sort through my feelings by being a bit of a mirror and an observer, rather than a policewoman, or worse, a guilt-tripper. I can’t remember which class it was, or camp, or play, or lesson, but I was getting grumpy, frantic, depressive, and prone to outburst about some artistic thing I had gotten myself into. I was ready to quit, angry about how it was going–quite emotional, not just “I don’t think this is for me,” but more “I hate this.” Anyway, in my fitful state of being ready to quit, my mom tried to calm me down a bit and patiently insisted that I hear her out about something she’d observed about me. She basically said, “I’ve noticed a pattern in with you: You get interested in something, you get excited to start it, you start it, you see that it’s not as pleasant as you’d had in mind, you get frustrated and want to quit, but you stick it out for a while, and then you realize you like it, and then you’re glad you didn’t quit.”
Do I even need to say that I calmed down and then proceeded to enjoy the commitment I’d made? All she had to do was highlight her OBSERVATION of my PREVIOUS BEHAVIOR, and I could SEE FOR MYSELF what was going on, and what the wise thing to do would be. There wasn’t a bit of preaching from her. No demands, No threats, No bribes. No guilt. No punishments. No judgment about my feelings. Not even any requests. Just an observation, insistent though she was that I should hear it. It is one of the most beautiful pieces of parenting in my memory, and it has informed my behavior in any position of authority throughout my life, and I plan on passing it down to my children some day.
FIRM PARENTAL GUIDANCE
Elizabeth Farrell – Piano, Voice, Woodwinds
My parents played a huge part in my desire to be involved in music. In fact, I’m pretty sure my father used some kind of reverse psychology on me for years before I even started taking lessons. We had a piano in the house from the day I was born, and I always asked to play it. My father would say things like “Not yet, you’re too short” or “You’re hands are too small”. In reality I could have started piano by 4 years old (and I’m sure I was asking by then), but my parents made me wait. When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I went out and found my own piano teacher because my dad said “not yet” so many times! I think he got his wish. 🙂
You’d think there would be no problems with a kid with that kind of drive to play piano, right? While I eventually went on to a prestigious music school and into a great music career, the story isn’t as beautifully easy like you’d imagine.
I went through my honeymoon period while I was young, loving the instrument and not putting up too much of a fight for practicing, but by middle school I was in an all-out rebellion. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what was going through my head at this point – maybe “”I’m lazy and don’t want to practice”, or it’s not “cool”, probably a bit of both and maybe more. Well, whatever my reasons were completely ridiculous, because I really did like to play. In middle school I would throw tantrums that could put a toddler to shame, saying ‘I want to quit’, ‘I won’t practice’ etc. What did my parents do? They said very firmly “No, you’re not quitting” many, many times.
Finally sometime in 8th grade during a music class, I jumped on the piano and started playing a song I knew, and the kids in my class were clearly impressed. That’s the very moment I threw my previous nonsense out the window. Thank goodness my parents had the sense enough to see me for what I was, a rebellious adolescent who had no clue what she really wanted. They didn’t let me quit because they knew what was best. -Without a doubt, it’s the best thing they’ve ever done for me!